Hook Me

Alright #PitchWars peeps.  I want you to sum up your book in a ONE sentence hook.  And I will comment on how I think you can improve it.

To start you off, here’s an example:

“When sixteen year old Lucy’s brother washes up dead on their Scottish island, she’s determined to find out what happened – murder, accident, or legend come to life.”

Now it’s your turn…go! 

103 thoughts on “Hook Me

  1. Thanks, Fiona! Here's my hook:

    THIMBLERIG'S ARK

    After having vivid nightmares of floods and unicorns, Thimblerig the groundhog comes up with the ultimate con: convincing some sucker animals that he can save them from the disaster to come – for a price. But when the flood comes, Thimblerig has to really save them, or he loses everything.

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  2. Here's mine.

    After fending off drunken losers, Zoe finally meets the girl of her dreams—as long as she can ignore the fur and fangs. When she’s blackmailed, she must give in or expose the girl she loves to the world.

    P.S. Both of yours look great.

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  3. Okay, this is pretty smooth. It tells me it's most likely a younger reader's book. I do think you can trim your hook. I get how floods can be a disaster to come, but can unicorns? Without having the context, this comes off a little too unsure on the query. I'd drop the unicorns. You could also change “comes up with” to “devises”. You want to be as concise as possible in a hook and really make every single word matter (because it does).

    Also, technically “convincing” would be better as “convince” and I think you can do without “that” as well. “disaster to come” could become “impending disaster”.

    Lastly, “loses everything” could be more specific. What is “everything” to Thimblerig? Home? Friends? Possessions?

    All you need is some concision and specificity here. Otherwise, you're good to go!

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  4. (Oops. Missing some punctuation there…)

    Sixteen-year-old Pearlene enlists the help of the healing preacher who failed to cure her mama to bring down the demon who made Mama sick in the 1st place.

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  5. First off….cheeky! This is a two sentence hook lol. However, let's see what we can do to work with this…

    The problem with your hook is it's not specific enough. I actually think the blackmail part is your hook – what is she blackmailed about?

    “Zoe meets the girl of her dreams, but when she discovers she has fur and fangs and is blackmailed into X, she must choose – give in or expose her lover to the world.”

    Obviously, I don't know what your book is fully about, but I'd love to see a more specific hook (feel free to post again!).

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  6. This feels like it runs on a little and tries to cram so much in that it's hard to get the power behind the hook. Also, I think it raises a slightly concerning question – like, why use a preacher who couldn't help the last time?

    “You could try reorganizing it a little: Sixteen year old Pearlene gives a second chance to the preacher who failed to heal her mom–if he can rid the demon making momma sick.”

    Obviously, I don't know your story, so finding the right angle is hard. Is she out for revenge? Is it to cure her mother? I'd love to see this hook reworked.

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  7. This is my other pitch. I'm still debating between which of the two stories to enter.

    Reincarnation's a bigger bitch than the goddess hell-bent on killing Saekina, but this time, she might be out of lives.

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  8. Hunter and friends, transformed into amateur detectives when they suspect their famous high school footfall coach could bring disgrace to their team, school and beloved small town, are driven in directions they never could have anticipated before stumbling upon truths they never saw coming.

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  9. Zoe meets the girl of her dreams—if she can get past the fur and fangs. When she’s blackmailed into x, she must choose–give in or expose her lover to the world.

    X is where I have the problem. I don’t know how to get it in there. What happens is her parents are sending lawyers after the classmate who threatened her. He’s pissed, and when he learns about The Beast, he tells Zoe to call off the lawyers, or he’ll expose The Beast.

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  10. I love the punch this packs. All I'd like to see is it being a touch more specific in terms of what their reason for the conflict is. Also, if it's a unique mythology base, then hint at that too (as diversity it hot right now!).

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  11. This has got really good personal stakes in it. But the “driven in directions” and “truths they never saw coming” is a little vague. I think you could make this a tighter focused. (something like “Hunter and his friends turn amateur detectives when their famous high school coach threatens to bring disgrace to their team and small town; now it's up to them to solve the case before X happens”).

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  12. Here's mine:

    When seventeen year-old Nova Gordon learns the existence of greek gods, she must come to terms with who she truly is, her growing feelings, and what she did to piss off the Goddess of War before the goddess makes good on her name.

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