Yay, nay, or wth?

Hey guys…

So…normally a lot of my posts are about writing advice, upcoming contests, and book reveals. However, this time, I’m going to ask a favor of all my followers (don’t worry it’s not a big one).

Like any other writer, I’m not exempt from needing eyes on my own stuff (blinders, rose-tinted glasses, subjectivity, and all that). So, if anyone has a moment or two, I’d love an opinion on my very own pitch (to sweeten the pot, I’m happy to return the favor, so if you have something you want looking over, just let me know!).

Okay…deep breath…here we go…

Seventeen-year-old adopted Annabel Gracie signs into The Castle Mental Hospital in hopes of ridding herself of a voice only she can hear – a man called Dodge – and recovering her budding championship swimming career. Only Dodge is as equally determined not to relinquish his hold on her mind. When her psychologist encourages Annabel to delve into her past, she discovers her birth father is serving a life sentence for murdering her mother and three others. Her doctor recommends Annabel write to him but not send the letters – a way to deal with what she sees in her repressed memories. However the letters do get sent. But by who? And Annabel’s father has written back about a man called Dodge who keeps telling him what to do… Now her schizophrenia just might be the key to uncovering the location of his last victim, but it could also leave her mind in pieces.
Many thanks and virtual hugs!

4 thoughts on “Yay, nay, or wth?

  1. Love the concept. Only nitpicky things that might weaken pitch. You use 3 dashes and an ellipse in a single paragraph. That's probably all you should use for an entire novel. :0) Setting up age first doesn't throw you into it immediately and I'm not sure the budding career is a worthy focus in the query. You want to jump into what is different about your story right away. The voice in her head is the key to interest. Perhaps open with that? e.g. The problem isn't that Dodge speaks to 17-yr-old Annabel Grace all the time. It's that no one else can hear him. Checking into a mental hospital in hopes of getting rid of him, she finds he is not willing to let go of the hold on her mind.
    Might be worth playing with the opening. Again, terrific concept. Good luck!


  2. Oh you have some wonderful ideas here. I love that you bring up the idea of pushing the voice right to the front of the query. I'm definitely going to take that on board.Lol and you're right about my punctuation love! Thank you so much for your very salient points! Please let me know if I can return the favor!!!


  3. First off let me say how much I love this concept. Mental illnesses should be brought to light and the idea of mixing this with a mystery makes this story even more intriguing. Rose's input above about changing the opening line by incorporating Dodge immediately is an ingenious hook, considering Dodge seems to tie Annabel to her birth father and his murders.
    My only recommendation for the dash by the doctor request is this: To retrieve Annabel repressed memories, her doctor request she writes her father letters without the intention of sending them.
    The reason I use the word retrieve is in researching repressed memories I think retrieve is a stronger word choice, since repressed memories are normally not accessible to consciousness. In order for Annabel to deal with her memories she first has to recall them.
    That's my only advice. Amazing plot and I would love to read this story. I hope it snags a lucky agent! 🙂


  4. Hi Chelsea – thank you so much for chiming in here. I am so glad you like the concept. I am really happy you second Rose's suggestion about incorporating Dodge's voice in the opening lines. I am definitely going to use this advice.

    What a wonderful reword suggestion you have offered also. That is much smoother! You are correct that retrieve is a much stronger word choice.

    I really appreciate you looking over this, and if I can return the favor, please just let me know!


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